Dear Future Roommates,
I’m going to excuse myself right now for all the ridiculous things you’ll have to put up with for the next few years. You should probably know some fun facts about me before you decide to live with me.
I’m gross and I’m lazy. That sums me up in about a sentence. I like to drink wine right out of the bottle, so be prepared. Sometimes I even use it as a meal replacement when I don’t want to make myself dinner. Case in point: gross and lazy.
I’m not just talking about a little lazy, either. You WILL hear my alarm go off at 5:00 every morning. This is my running alarm. No, I don’t run. I want to run, but I don’t. I tell myself every night before I fall asleep that I will get up in the morning and run before class, dammit! Not once in my life has this happened. I’ll just keep hitting snooze, so you’ll hear the first ten seconds of “Cruise” playing every few minutes. No, I won’t completely turn my alarm off, on the off chance that I actually haul my butt out of bed after another 10 minutes of sleep.
I’m also really stubborn.
Yes, you’ll hear me singing and stomping around in my room. I like to sing. I like to dance. I don’t do either really well, but it’s gonna happen. If you peek into my room while this is happening, you’ll probably notice that I’m wearing the exact same pair of sweatpants that I wore yesterday. And the day before. And maybe even a few days before that. Again, gross. And lazy.
I’ll try to make it up to you, of course. I like to bake things, and when I finally motivate myself enough to bake something, I’ll force it upon you with such relish that you’ll feel pressured to eat some. Please do. I don’t bake to eat it. I bake to share and to test my willpower against eating it. (This usually doesn’t hold out for very long, so feel free to judge me all you want as I stuff my face with my delicious cupcakes. I’m having them alongside the wine for dinner. Give me a break.)
Lastly, things will always get rowdy when I’m around. I can’t help it – I’m a loud person. You’ll know when I’m on Skype because you’ll hear me yelling at no one. You’ll know when I’m doing my homework because you’ll hear me yelling at everything. You’ll know when I come home because every single time I do, I yell out “Honey, I’m home!” You’ll find it charming after a while.
You seem like nice people, and I want to be a good roomie. Again, I apologize in advance for myself. I’m a gross, lazy, stubborn mess. Don’t worry, you’ll learn to love me.
Your Future Roommate